I dont know why, but this question pops up in my mind every now and then. I don’t know where it comes from, but it feels like everything started with this question. Once the question is asked, there is no way back, it just begs for an answer. But do we really want to go through all it takes to find an answer?
Being alone is hard. After spending a good week in the company of others, I almost forgot what it’s like to walk alone. To have only your own thoughts to ponder upon, only your own eyes to see with, only your own pains to feel and only your own drive to walk on.
In these moments all that you are comes together and with that you have to find a way to keep on going. There are things that press you to go on, and things that want you to turn around and go home.
I really wanted to quit the other day. I felt so determent that I was not supposed to be alone all this time. It feels so counter-intuitive to be alone, as if nature did not meant it to be this way for me. Of course, the shirt I got which says “walking to Istanbul” earns me many and more converstions. Some just 2 minutes, others half an hour. But not having a life’s partner somewhere, somehow, is still very hard to get used to for me. I do not miss anyone in particular, but just the idea that this kind of love, or this kind of bond with anyone is not there, keeps coming back at me. Someone needs to hold my hand, laugh about my jokes, admire my courage and so on. Someone needs to be next to me when I fall asleep and someone needs to be there when I wake up. Life, for me, is so much better when shared. This at least I found out already.
I guess it’s all just part of being human. Fear to be rejected, fear to be alone, fear to be meaningless. These fears make us do the stuff we do.
But there are also moments when I want to go on and want to go on alone. When I walk in the pouring rain and know it makes no difference whether I’m soaked or dry. When I’m sleeping in a field at midday, I feel at home, nothing to worry about. When I see the road before me, I want to know what’s around the corner. I feel happy walking, talking, reading, writing, cooking and camping. It’s all that’s my lifes about right now and I’m glad with it. Being stubborn helps too. I just do not want to give up. I was meant to walk this way and I will walk this way. It’s just 6 days till Austria. I will make that, at least. I’ve been walking till here, so I trust I will be walking some more. Experiencing all these ups and downs, discovering how far I can go and in what beautiful ways life reaches out to support me.